


In the mourning all my sorries

by Catpal



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:02:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24750511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catpal/pseuds/Catpal
Summary: Set after the ending of season one/ at the beginning of season two. What I think it would have looked like if Jen helped Judy clean off the blood instead of her doing it alone.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 8
Kudos: 76





	In the mourning all my sorries

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t really write angst so I hope you like it 
> 
> Thanks to the rad human that is bgaydocrimes for the prompt and for the beta

“Jude, honey, you need to let me help you take this off.” Jen prodded gently as she stepped slowly closer, reaching out to place a soothing hand on the brunette’s shoulder, pulling it away quickly when she realized it had blood on it. Steve’s blood. 

Judy’s sobbing echoed through the bathroom; the brunette was huddled against the wall, her head in her hands, inconsolable. This was all Jen’s fault and she needed to make it better, but she couldn’t. She tamped down her guilt; she needed to put Judy first in this moment and take care of her, just like the younger woman had taken care of her so many times before. 

*

It was hard to say exactly how they had gotten to this precise moment when only hours ago Jen had been so adamant that she never wanted to see Judy again. Of course when push came to shove though, and Jen had needed help, Judy had been the only one to call. In such a short amount of time Jen had come to rely so heavily on her friend and she knew that Judy felt so guilty so killing Ted and then lying for so long, all Jen needed to do was say jump and the brunette would ask how high. It was wrong to use Judy’s guilt against her and Jen knew that, but in some perverse sense she felt as though Judy owed her and a deep and very dark part of her had wanted Judy to see what she’d done, to mourn like Jen had been mourning for so long, so it was with a sick sense of justice that Jen had made the call asking Judy to come home. 

Judy had come, without hesitation, because of course she had. She had stayed when she saw what Jen had done, and she had helped to clean up. In the time when Jen had stood alone beside the pool, she had come up with her lie. Self defense, no one could blame a mother for trying to protect herself from an angry man. But as she stood above Judy, watching her wracked with grief, she wanted to tell her the truth so badly. The part of her that still loved Judy despite her anger wanted to open up -wanted to believe Judy would accept her no matter what- but her survival instincts won out. She couldn’t trust Judy and therefore she couldn’t trust her with this truth not when so much hung in the balance, not when it was so important to keep the truth hidden, to protect her boys. 

Together they had come up with a plan: the freezer would do for now, with a lock, until a better plan could be designed and Jen could get rid of the evidence for good. The important thing at the time had been to clean up just enough to get through the morning with the boys, they couldnt see anything, they couldn’t suspect. So they had hid the body and cleaned, scrubbing away all the evidence. Judy had been surprisingly stoic, though it was evident she was panicking just as much as Jen. For what seemed like the longest time, the only words either of them uttered were muttered curses and Jen had wondered if Judy’s heart was hammering as hard as hers, so hard she thought it might break through her chest.

When the sun rose, a fresh wave of panic had hit. The boys would be up soon and would expect breakfast and their lunches made but all Jen wanted to do was crawl into bed and hide from the world. Instead she would have to act as normal as possible; get the boys out of the house and then she could break down. She hadn’t had the strength to tell Judy to leave, besides, she’d known there was still so much they needed to discuss before they never saw each other again. Her heart had broken a little when she saw how excited Henry was to see Judy; she knew they had formed a strong bond in a short space of time, and it pained her to know he would lose another person he loved so much, never understanding why. But she needed to do this, to make sure she could stick around, better to lose Judy than to lose their mother, right? 

When the boys had finally left, the door shutting loudly behind Henry, the silence that filled the house became instantly stifling. Jen hadn’t known what to do next until she’d looked at Judy and noticed the blood on her arms, her chest. Thank fuck her boys were so unobservant. 

She’d suggested a shower, and Judy had nodded silently, her mouth clamped firmly closed as if she was scared that if she opened it a dam would break and all the feelings she was holding in would escape. With each step toward the bedroom Jen felt her grief and her guilt build, threatening to overwhelm her, though it was Judy who had broken first. The second she had stepped into the bathroom and met her reflection she had crumbled. 

Pale and shaking she’d turned to Jen, her face full of disbelief. “What the fuck have we done?” 

The pain on Judy’s face as she had backed up against the wall and slid to the floor -tears streaming down her face- had been what finally snapped Jen into reality. She’d realized as she watched Judy crumble under the weight of her grief, as her mourning finally took hold, that this last stage of the battle she was waging would only be won with vulnerability. She couldn’t bully Judy into getting in the shower, and being a complete asshole was only going to make matters worse. She had to let the part of her that cared for Judy, loved her and wanted the best for her, push through all the hatred and betrayal. So she had allowed herself to soften; for just a little while she could be the Jen she had always wanted to be for Judy: soft and kind and caring, and that’s how she had found herself almost begging a 42 year old sobbing woman to get up off the floor and get into the shower. 

*

“Judy, I need to get you in the shower. We need to... we need to wash the blood off.” The last words came out as a whisper, and a hard lump formed in Jen’s throat. 

The pain in Jen’s voice seemed to stir something in Judy and she looked up, the concern in her eyes making Jen’s stomach constrict. She didn’t deserve Judy’s concern in this moment, no matter how badly she wanted it. It was selfish of her to want anything from Judy when she had just ripped her life apart. 

Jen shook away the image of Steve’s lifeless body floating face down in her pool, tried to stop hearing the noise of Judy’s panicked breathing as they carried his body to the freezer. She needed to be here and now. They needed to get to work, to act like everything was normal so that no one suspected anything, and to do that, she had to wash away the last of the evidence that was currently drying on Judy’s arms. 

Jen walked toward the shower and turned it on, hoping the steam and promise of being clean would move the brunette into action. “Judy, sweetie, I know you’re in shock, I know. But I need you to stand up so we can get you in the shower.” 

Judy stood up slowly, her hands shaking so violently that it broke Jen’s heart to see it. The younger woman stepped towards Jen and turned her back to her, making it easier for the blonde to unzip her dress. 

For just a moment Jen let herself think about the fact that she had spent many hours envisioning herself removing Judy’s clothing; trying to imagine what the brunette’s underwear would look like; how the smooth expanse of her back would feel below her fingertips as she trailed her way down, exploring every inch. This was so far from what Jen had pictured it was almost laughable, and she had to tamp her attraction down with everything else. This was not the time, nor the place to let her mind wander. 

As the green dress fell and pooled around Judy’s bare feet, Jen met her eyes in the mirror, hands hovering over the clasp of her black bra waiting for permission to take it off. Judy met her eyes, unshed tears swimming before chocolate brown irises, and she gave an almost imperceptible nod. 

Once the brunette was fully undressed -Jen determinedly averting her eyes from the places she had long ached to explore with her lips, her fingers, her tongue- the older woman led her over to the shower, opening the door and waiting for her to step in. 

Judy stepped under the stream of water, and Jen started to slowly close the door, wanting to give the other woman some privacy.

“Don’t leave me please.” Judy pleaded, her eyebrows knitting together. Her previously unshed tears spilling over onto her cheeks, her voice barely a whisper. “I don’t want to be alone.” 

The desperation in her voice is what finally broke her resolve, after all, she was still Judy and under all the anger and the pain there was a whole lot of love. That desperate plea was all Jen needed to spur her into action: she stepped fully dressed into the shower and pulled her best friend into her arms. The small body began to shudder against her, as the brunette started to sob again, and Jen brought her hand up to rub soothing circles on her back. 

“I’m sorry Judy, I’m so sorry.” Jen whispered as she stood holding her, waiting for her sobs to subside. 

“No, I’m sorry, you must have been so scared,” Judy cried into her shoulder. “I’m so sorry I brought him into your life.” 

A fresh wave of guilt threatened to bowl Jen over where she stood. Judy was sorry- Jen had killed the person who was essentially the love of her life, and Judy was the one apologizing. 

Jen stepped back so she could look at Judy, so she could meet her eyes as she said what needed to be said. 

“You don’t need to be sorry; you are not responsible for Steve’s actions and you’re not responsible for mine. What happened tonight, that wasn’t your fault. It was mine, I’m sorry Judy, I’m so so sorry.” And then all of a sudden the roles were reversed and Jen was the one sobbing as Judy held her, and nothing else in the world mattered. Not the fact that there was a dead man lying in her freezer, or the fact that her clothes were soaked through and clinging to her body, just this moment, where Judy held her and it felt like maybe everything was going to be okay. Maybe in some sick way the events of the night had served to tip the cosmic balance back and now they stood on even ground. 

After what felt like hours but was probably mere moments, Jen stepped out of the embrace and sought out a washcloth. She began to tenderly to wash the blood from Judy’s arm, trying to use every touch to convey so many feelings with just the touch of her hands as she washed away the evidence from the night before. When they were done Jen turned off the shower and wrapped Judy tightly in a towel. Stepping out of the shower felt like a spell had been broken and the reality of their situation hit Jen hard. She loved Judy; she couldn’t shake the thought that Judy was inevitable for her but it was like too much lay between them now though: too many lies, too much pain. 

The two women stood eyeing each other in awkward silence, as if daring the other to speak. 

“So uh, I should probably... get dressed.” Judy was always the first to break, she never could tame Jen’s stubbornness. 

Jen cleared her throat awkwardly, and averted her eyes. “Yea, I’ll uh... should probably change too.” She turned to make her way back into the bedroom. 

“Um Jen, you kind of... well you burned all my stuff.” Judy sounded apologetic. Of course, Jen had burned all her stuff and Judy was the one that felt bad. It made Jen inexplicably angry. 

“Well I’ll just give you some of my clothes. It doesn’t have to be a big fucking deal.” Jen bit back, and even though she couldn’t see Judy, she knew the woman had flinched at the harsh words, probably surprised by the change in Jen’s disposition. 

She sighed and rubbed a hand across her brow. “I’ll lend you something until you can change, and then I’ll drop you at work if you like.” 

Judy nodded eagerly in response and Jen instantly felt a fresh wave of guilt in response. She knew the brunette was hopeful that this meant they could mend things, Jen had thought maybe for a moment that it did, but Jen knew now that they couldn’t. 

The two sides of Jen were fighting it out, and she knew in the end it would be the cold, hard side of her that won. It had kept her going this long, pushing people away, and it would be easier with Judy because she was still so fucking angry. 

Besides -if she was truly honest with herself- in her heart she knew she couldn’t love Judy and lie to her, so she had to let her go. She had to drive her to work, get their stories straight and then never talk to her again. It was just the way it had to be: itwould hurt, but anything else would hurt more. 

She glanced back at Judy as she rummaged through the walk in closet for something she could lend her and would be fine with never getting back and her heart broke in two. She had to be strong, for her boys. She had to cut Judy off and keep up the lie, and everything would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave me comments and let me know what you think, it pretty much gives me the self esteem I need to write more, because lord knows I’m not finding it within myself


End file.
